Santa Claus may be secluded in the North Pole for most of the year, but he stays up to date with the news across the world. Here are his thoughts on recent events.
News: Senate passes a controversial tax bill.
Santa’s thoughts: I’m upset. I’m extremely disappointed in our current government. Just because Mrs. Claus and I make over $22 million per year, our inheritance will be taxed? This is outrageous. I thought Trump and I understood each other because we’re both old men with a loyal group of followers and a remaining population that doesn’t believe in us, but I guess I was wrong.
News: People have spent over $1 million buying virtual cats on the new CryptoKitties game.
Santa’s thoughts: Oh for shuck’s sake, don’t spend your money on that. Put it on your virtual Christmas list, and I won’t even have to make a chimney run.
News: Met Opera suspends James Levine after new sexual abuse accusations.
Santa’s thoughts: Yeah… We’ve got a lot of fellas finding their way to the naughty list this year.
News: Australian lawmaker proposes to gay partner during debate.
Santa’s thoughts: That’s pretty cute, but also very public. It would’ve been awkward if the partner said no. I saw a similar situation the other day at the North Pole that didn’t end as well. One of my elves proposed during the toy wedding workday, when EVERYONE was present. The partner said no, and they had to keep making doll rings next to each other for the rest of the day.
News: First woman in U.S. gives birth with transplanted uterus.
Santa’s thoughts: Yeah, a few people on my nice list have asked for those. I’m still figuring out the best way to preserve a uterus inside a stocking.
News: Researchers conclude that dogs are smarter than cats.
Santa’s thoughts: That may be true, but have they ever met reindeer? Those guys are like mammalian GPS machines.
News: CVS to buy Aetna for $69 billion.
Santa’s thoughts: Shoot, that’s enough money to fund 1/18 of all the toys we make each Christmas!
News: American Airlines works with pilots to save holiday flights after scheduling too many holiday breaks.
Santa’s thoughts: Airlines can’t be trusted. They’re too dangerous. It’s obviously much safer to take an open-sided sleigh pulled by eight or nine feisty deer. It’s basically an airborne covered-wagon without the cover.
News: Credit Rating Agency warns cities to address climate change.
Santa’s thoughts: You think? If the North Pole shrinks any more, I’m going to have to relocate to a tropical location.
Comment below with suggestions for the next Monday news personality.