Kingsman: The Golden Circle hit theaters this September with the force of a thousand electrified lassos.
Electrified lassos happen to be one of the main features of the film, which may make this movie more appealing if terrifying lassos are something you enjoy.
The film picks up where Kingsman: The Secret Service left off in 2014, quickly updating the audience on the status of all the main characters, while even resurrecting a few. The sequel manages to heighten the action sequences into even more indulgently cathartic displays of special effects, a feat which scientists thought impossible after seeing the first movie.
I will not bore you with the details of the plot because I have forgotten them. I will, however, use the following section of this review to simply list things that happen on the screen in Kingsman: The Golden Circle, which will be enough to convince you to see it.
Here are some things that the movie features: a puppy, another puppy, butterflies, Channing Tatum, a robot arm, a poopy sewer, humans shoved in a meat grinder, an electric lasso, umbrella guns, two dog robots, a ski lift accident, Sir Elton Hercules John, the branding of human flesh with molten gold, cannibalism, a football stadium full of dying humans in cages, and Colin Firth in a padded room.
The rest of the movie serves as a variety show for young white males to demonstrate their special skills such as posing, jumping, kicking, wearing clothes, and delivering standard blockbuster jokey dialogue. This debaucherous movie experience would not be complete without a killer soundtrack of the one and only John Denver.
To best enjoy this movie, remember your training. America has taught her people to consume media with no critical eye.
Do not think about art or representation of women in media or the millions of other ways you could spend your money.
Just watch the spy movie with the British accents, cowboys and a romance as unchallenging as an episode of Gossip Girl. You will love it, probably.