By Elizabeth Newby, Columnist
Dear Kim Kardashian,
I’m disappointed in you. You’ve let me down. The length of your marriage, the dude you married, your overpriced wedding—I thought better of you.
I mean, 72 days is kind of a long time. You should have pulled a Britney Spears one-day Vegas marriage. Publicity moves should be quick and to the point.
But I guess you wanted a fancy wedding so you could get presents and stuff. In that case, you should have stayed married for like a year and caused all sorts of drama.
I would have enjoyed some strategically placed fights in front of the paparazzi, but you just took your platinum-plated toasters and bailed.
You basically married a goofier version of Taylor Lautner. They both look like llamas. I get why you divorced him. He seems a little dumb and boring.
But if you really want to do your job as an entertainer, you should marry someone really hot who I can stare at or someone really crazy who I can laugh at. Those are actually the only two reasons I watch television.
Get your act together. For $10 million, the ceremony was really boring. Where were the laser light shows? Why weren’t Kanye and Jay-Z going H.A.M. at the reception? Why didn’t Aziz Ansari pop out of your cake? What are you doing with your money? What are you doing with your life?
Seriously, Kim. I’m concerned. I’m beginning to question why you’re even famous at all.
Sincerely,
A Consumer
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