Mr. Printy-Paper has some things to say.
Mr. Pierre Printy-Paper, a multifunctional printer/copier and OCU veteran, is outraged by the lack of respect that Generation Z has for his service.
“I would just like to say that I feel personally attacked by all you young people,” Printy-Paper said. “My work on campus as an activist, philanthropist and scholar is going unnoticed by all of those under the age of 24.”
Printy-Paper lives in the corner of the Dulaney-Browne library. Yes, that one. The one you’re thinking about right now. He’s that printer.
“I just don’t understand how the staff at the library could have the audacity to not only threaten to replace me, but put a smaller, more consistently running copier right next to MY workspace. The nerve of some people.” He said.
Mr. Carl Copy-Copier, Printy-Paper’s next door neighbor, said Printy-Paper is rarely doing his job.
“He deserves to be replaced,” Copy-Copier said. “He sleeps on the job, doesn’t work like, 78% of the time, and he is LOUD.”
Printy-Paper said he can be has loud as he wants and is allowed to work whenever he may please.
“Listen, it is not my fault that YOU decided to wait until the day of to print off your Chekov character analysis,” Printy-Paper said. “Next time you want something done, give me $20 and a nice pastrami sandwich and then I’ll think about it.”
Printy-Paper is eight years old, which is roughly 72 in printer years.
Printy-Paper said maintenance will have to drag him out of his place before he willingly gives his job to some snowflake.
“I weigh like 800 pounds,” he said. “No one is moving my butt from this spot.”
In his will, Printy-Paper will leave all of his life savings to his pet rubber tree, Chamelea. Chamelea said Printy-Paper’s life savings won’t do much.
“He’s saved like, 12 cents in eight years,” Chamelea said. “He’s mercilessly eaten so many people’s print money, and that’s all he could save.”
Printy-Paper had one last thing to say before shutting down for the library printing rush before class.
“I just wanna say that I never liked any of you smelly kids. You can keep pressing my buttons as much as you want, but just know that I will never, EVER, log you out when you want me to.”
Read the news story about the printer/copier update here.
Thank you for telling my story. You… you don’t know what this means for my legacy.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you Printy-Paper. Will you forgive me?
In my years of IT, I’ve found the best way to get a printer to work is by whispering it affirmations:
“You are a great printer, Mr. Pierre Printy-Printer” *pat*
Works every time. Trust me, I’m an engineer