Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady: a bad advice column

Alright, guys, the moment none of you have been waiting for: the second ever Crazy Kazoo debate. Last time, I tackled the long-debated question of who would win a battle between Kevin from Home Alone, or the alien from Alien.

This time, I’m going to debate who should have won the Super Bowl: the Patriots or the Eagles. Am I aware that the Super Bowl already happened? Yes. Do I care? Hell no. 

Now, what is the Super Bowl? I have no clue. All I know is that the word “super” means cool, and the word “bowl” means “something you put your cereal in.”  So, I’ll assume that both teams are trying to see who can consume the most cereal in the span of four hours. Or rice.

Here are the comparisons:

Why the Eagles should win:

1. They can fly.
2. They fought in the revolutionary war.
3.  They’re at the top of the food chain.
4.  They have strong eyesight.

Why the Eagles should not win

1. They look like a disappointed parent.
2. They are in the movie “Bold Eagle” which is the worst goddamn movie I’ve ever seen.
3. They could probably kill you.

Alright, now the Patriots.

Why the Patriots should win:

1. They also fought in the revolutionary war.
2. They were there the night Paul Revere was like “THE BRITISH ARE COMING,” even though that’s not actually what happened.
3. They are in the musical Hamilton.
4. They are actual people.

Why the Patriots should not win:

1. They’re probably racist.
2. They don’t think before they speak.
3. They are actual people.

And the winner is:

Me, and the amount of food I ate on Sunday.