WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! In this week’s column, I tackle New Year’s Resolutions, meditation, and cows.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I balance my many New Years Resolutions?
Sincerely,
New Year, New Me
Dear New Year, New Me,
Every single time I have heard someone say, “I am going to completely change myself,” they stay exactly the same.
However, I have found that the best way to keep your resolutions is to hire a small, old Russian lady to sit by your bed, to yell at you about how she survived the Russian winters, but yet somehow you cannot go to the gym.
If all else fails, post about your resolutions to Instagram, to give the illusion you have achieved your goals, even though you probably haven’t.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do you meditate?
-Misty Dawn
Dear Misty Dawn,
Are you a member of the X-Men, or are you a part of the My Immortal fanfiction?
According to Buddhism, in order to achieve meditation, you have to give up all of your possessions, shave your head, and join a monastery.
After doing this, go to an empty field, sit upright, and close your eyes. Attempt to clear your mind, until you ask yourself, “Wait, did I remember to turn off the stove?”
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I transition into a vegan lifestyle?
Sincerely,
Anna Kendrick
Dear Anna Kendrick,
I loved you in Pitch Perfect. Into the Woods… ehh…
In order to become vegan, you have to become a cow. If you can’t consume it, you might as well become it.
Paint yourself white with black spots, get on all fours, and crawl around a farm and eat grass. Wear fake udders, and carry a gallon of milk to give to the unsuspecting farmers. Moo, like the motherloving cow you are. MOO WITH ME!
MOOOOOOOOOOOO!
In this case, you ARE NOT what you eat.
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.
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