In this week’s column, I tackle anger, monologues, and balls.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
I interacted with my crush again today and still don’t have their number. Are there any online sites you’d recommend so I can buy some balls?
Sincerely,
A Coward
Dear A Coward
How’s your brother Noel doing? (ya know, Noel Coward, the playwright, no one appreciates my puns)
Go to Dick’s Sporting Goods. I think that’s where you get sports equipment. I was never good at sports because I always had a fear of the ball hitting my head.
My fear of balls affects other parts of my life. Take that saying for what you will.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
What are some monologues you know are a sure fire way to land a role?
Sincerely,
Tryna book it
Dear Tryna Book It,
I will write a monologue for you. It’s based on every Neil LaBute piece.
The Monologue: Written by The Crazy Kazoo Lady
You cheated on me you motherfucking jackass. This contributes to all of my issues, including the issues of my parents leaving me on a doorstep with a bunch of nuns after I was born with chlamydia YEAH MY PARENTS PASSED CHLAMYDIA TO ME BITCH!
But I still love you you bastard. I fucking love you. That’s all I ever wanted… someone to love me.
You fucked me up. But you fucked me good.
End scene.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I resist the urge to punch somebody?
Sincerely,
Clenched fist
Dear Clenched fist
Instead of punching them, put your fists up into a middle finger position.
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.
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