10 Cyber Monday must-haves -

Cyber Monday allows people to hit up some sweet shopping deals without being trampled by the crowds of Black Friday. This year, there are some hidden gems that I feel empowered to expose to the public.

10. Grow a Boyfriend
Having trouble finding a gentleman suitor at OCU? So is everyone else. But don’t worry! Amazon is selling boyfriends for $5.75 apiece. They grow when placed in water. I think they only come in one color and shape, but with a pocketknife and some food coloring, you can do some makeshift cosmetic surgery. I think there’s a girlfriend version too, if you’d rather. Check it out: https://www.amazon.com/Grow-a-Boyfriend-Novelty-Item/dp/B005MGNSE2

9. Nickelback on ice concert tickets
It’s exactly what it sounds like. Reserve seats to see everyone’s favorite band perform while ice skating at the Myriad Gardens. There is a bonus element this year: the ice is not actually there, due to the 68° weather. What are you waiting for?

8. Ramen
A package of ramen noodles has been reduced from $0.35 to $0.34, but shipping costs might not be worth the online purchase, depending on how close you live to the nearest Buy For Less. There are even cheaper options out there, but I don’t know how much I trust eBay’s “used” section when it comes to food.

7. Your very own cruise ship
TODAY AND TODAY ONLY, ALL CRUISE SHIPS HAVE BEEN REDUCED FROM $400 MILLION TO $380 MILLION!!!! THAT’S ONLY THE COST OF 14,074 OCU SEMESTERS!

6. Bedbugs
A couple of rooms in Cokesbury Court and Methodist Hall are experiencing a bedbug sale. This special offer won’t cost you a cent! All you have to do is place an order to let one of the rooms’ residents sleep in your dorm for the night! Trust me, they’ll bring a party.

5. Invisibility cloak
For the Harry Potter fans: This is the real deal! J.K. Rowling’s newest online merchandise item is a real invisibility cloak you can purchase from her Etsy.

4. MediaOCU subscription
That’s right. MediaOCU is offering the deal of a lifetime. In celebration of Cyber Monday, you can subscribe to MediaOCU today for FREE! Subscribe at MediaOCU.com, or follow the social media accounts.

3. Sodexo caf meal
Today and only today, Sodexo is letting students register online for a free meal swipe, on one condition: they have to promise that no one will ever complain about caf food again, and if anyone is caught complaining, they have to work full-time hours at Alvin’s. They won’t be paid, but Linda will be there. Always.

2. KFC chicken
KFC is offering a special “Half off” deal today. Place an order with their online supplier, and they’ll send you a chicken with its head cut half off. This deal is historically popular with sissy pioneer women.

1. Christian Mingle: dog edition
Do you live in a happy Christian household, where the only thing missing is man’s second best friend? Christian Mingle understands that Jesus comes first, but they also know dogs are important. Today, they’re offering a special membership option that allows Christian couples to meet a variety of good, Christian dogs without having to live with them right away.