Editor’s note: This is a satirical article about the columnist’s experience with COVID-19. It does not reflect legitimate medical findings.
I had COVID-19 over winter break. Fortunately, I did not have a very strong case of it, and it revealed itself as just a particularly bad cold. I’m aware not everyone to catch it has been so lucky, and I am very grateful I had a mild case.
That being said, I believe I have discovered a new side effect of COVID-19, and I am eager to finally share my discovery with the world. Most people know about developing a fever or chills, loss of taste and smell, fatigue, body aches, headaches and a dry cough, but I had a symptom that scientists have yet to announce or even discover.
I believe it’s best explained in a story. It was day three of isolation, and I was going a little stir crazy inside all day. My eyes longed for the natural light of the sun, and my nose for the smell of fresh air. It had snowed two days earlier ,and the next day was pretty rainy too; it seems the sun was having its own period of isolation. I was also feeling pretty sniffly, so it was just an all-around bad idea to go outside.
The third day, however, I was feeling a bit better, and the sun had returned. I decided I would spend some time on the porch reading and enjoying the unexpected warmth of the winter sun. It was only 55 degrees, but I started to get all bundled up in my scarf, hat and gloves—not because I was sick, but because I’m from Florida. I grabbed my earphones and keys and headed out the door. Immediately I was blinded by the sun, so I went back inside to grab my sunglasses and, again, was on my way. I locked the door from the inside, shut it behind me and immediately regretted what I had done. I had set the keys down when I picked up the sunglasses.
Usually, I have a roommate and two other friends that live on the other side of our duplex house we rent. Since classes were dismissed, those three girls were all out of state. I had been the only one to stay in Oklahoma for the break.
So, you can imagine locking myself out of the house would have been a pretty bad situation in itself, but locking myself out of the house while having COVID-19? There’s only one possible explanation for that level of carelessness.
COVID-19 made me dumb. I’m here to tell you that a side effect of COVID-19 is a lower intelligence level that forced me to do dumb things like setting down my key before leaving the house but still locking the door. It’s also a strong possibility it causes memory loss because that would explain how I lost the ability to remember to pick up the key after setting it down, but researchers need to collect more data on that before we jump to any conclusions.
So, there I was, supposed to have stayed locked in for 10 days, locked out of my house. My first thought was, this is really bad. My second thought was, this is really funny.
I called my only hope of getting in without a locksmith, my landlord, and she said she’d be a few hours. She asked me if I could go anywhere while I wait, and I had to explain that, truly, I could not.
In the end, I did get to spend some much-needed time outside. My landlord’s husband eventually pulled up in a big truck, and I crossed the street to get further away from him while he opened the door. I felt incredibly bad for making him drive here just to let me inside, but it turns out he thought it was pretty funny too.
Disclaimer: while scientists are equally fascinated as they are disturbed by my sudden senselessness, it is not yet confirmed whether COVID-19 has lasting effects on intelligence. Regardless, it’s best not to take a chance. Please wear a mask, social distance and take this pandemic seriously; if not for the countless reasons I’m sure you’ve already heard, do it so you won’t be dumb like me.
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