The painted grass has something it would like to say to all the complainers on campus.
The grass on campus has a history of getting a paint job at the end of winter. After hearing countless complaints, insults and jokes about its appearance, the grass decided to speak up.
“I would just like to say that you children are absolute hypocrites,” the grass said. “I see all of you ladies walking to your dorms all pasty and then emerging a few hours later looking two shades darker than you just did. You act so disgusted by me getting a paint job in the winter, yet you refuse to admit that you, too, are ALSO getting a paint job? It’s called a spray tan honey; I’m sure you’ve heard of it.”
The grass said it is certain there is no difference between the plight of the dead grass and the plight of the pale students on campus.
“I am just trying to impress my future students, you know? Just like you are trying to impress your future Tinder dates, headshot photographers or trying to prove to your mom that you do indeed go outside every once and a while,” the grass said.
The grass said it saves up for this touch-up every year by selling items left in its clutches. These items include one pair of LaDucas, three left-Airpods, six mysterious free movie night passes from 2018 and a small dog named Nacho.
“It’s all about capitalizing off of other people,” the grass said. “Why should I let my appearance falter if there’s so much stuff for me to just sell on Craigslist?”
Jade Celadon, biology junior, said she respects the grass’s wish to improve its appearance.
“Evolution exists for a reason,” Celadon said. “This is a primary example of a specimen using its resources to make itself more attractive to passersby.”
Despite the seemingly harmless nature of the painting of the grass, many students have expressed concerns over not only the fumes of the procedure, but the fact that the workers painting the grass are wearing protective masks.
The grass said there is nothing to worry about.
“I don’t think students should pay any mind to the fact that they are not provided with protective masks,” the grass said. “It’s not like the fumes are contaminated with mind-altering chemicals that convince you to give me more money for more spray greens.”
Celadon said she did an experiment on the fumes coming from the paint jobs and found they do, in fact, alter the minds of the smellers and destroy their ability to keep themselves from throwing spare change and crisp 20-dollar bills onto the quad lawn. Celadon also said prolonged exposure to the fumes allows the grass to infiltrate your mind and control your thoughts.
“I’m not sure if it’s illegal or not,” Celadon said. “But all I know is that the grass deserves my stars cash, and I’m going to give it all away.”
Jessica Vanek, the writer of this piece, actually lost control of her eyes, hands and frontal lobe halfway through transcribing this article during a sunny day on the quad. Vanek is no longer in charge of her actions or this story and will slowly be taken over by the will of the grass.
“Long live the grass,” Vanek said. “The smell is so fragrant, it makes me want to roll around in a rose bush and climb the tallest building.”
The grass is taking payments for further paint jobs through its venmo account, @the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side.
Leave a Reply