I think a lot about age; in terms of comparison to other people, at least. With each year I catch myself saying “This person was my age when they did this!” or “I remember so-and-so’s senior project.” As the class of 2019 approaches graduation, I look forward to the future, and I think Spring Break, or the weeks surrounding, is the perfect time to reflect on the expectations of growing up.
When I look at celebrities, it’s easy to say that they’re much more successful than a current student because they have fame, fortune and well…good timing. I think about how Adele’s first album was written when she was 19 or how Shawn Mendes is a few years younger than me. I often think about how Lorde, the pop singer from New Zealand known for her dark lyrics and rhythmic dancing, is only one month older than me. On the eve of her 20th birthday, she wrote a beautiful note to herself, detailing the weird feelings that come with growing up.
“I started to discover in a profound, scary, blood-aching way who I was when I was alone, what I did when I did things only for myself. I was reckless and graceless and terrifying and tender,” she wrote within the letter, describing the things she has learned on her way to 20 years old.
At 20, I read these words over and over, feeling as if Lorde was giving me some sort of permission to be messy, chaotic and emotional. At the time I was about to turn 20, I was constantly afraid of taking up space—being too loud or being all together too much to deal with. Now I’m 22, and I’m excited at the possibility that people will someday listen to all of the opinions and ideas I have to offer. I try not to apologize for things I cannot control and, instead, thank people for their patience or kindness. I’m not trying to say I have it all figured out—if you’ve seen me recently, you know that I do not have it figured out. Instead, I want to offer those who may be feeling unsure of themselves some words of hope: it will all make sense sooner than you think.
The spring semester can be extra stressful. It feels like it flies by faster than the fall, and there’s an impending sense of doom that summer employment can bring about. It’s important to remember that things don’t have to be perfect immediately. I think all upper-classmen would agree that college takes a lot of figuring out, and if that means that you have to fall a few times, then that’s what the universe has in store. There is no specific day or age when you have to be the perfect version of yourself. You have your whole life to do that. You do not have to be perfect right now.
As I write this, I am sitting in a café in New York City. I flew here alone, and during the next few days I imagine I’ll spend a lot of my time by myself. In a few short days, I will return to Oklahoma City and prepare to do this whole doing-theater-post-graduation thing. After all, my time at OCU is coming to a close, and the same is true for many of my peers. We will soon enter a world outside of the constraints of campus, and, while my experience at OCU has been one that I wouldn’t change, I am excited for the possibility of change in my future. Maybe things won’t go as I plan. Maybe there will be roadblocks. But I’m happy to be reckless, graceless, terrifying, and tender just as the pop singer one month older than I.
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