DEAR CRAZY KAZOO LADY: A BAD ADVICE COLUMN

Happy 2019! 

It’s time for another year of fun, laughter and shenanigans with your favorite kazoo player.

In this column, I’ll be discussing insomnia, resolutions and the loss of our favorite statue.

Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,

How do we find the pink elephant?

Sincerely,

Concerned for our Animal Statue Population

Dear Concerned for our Animal Statue Population,

So, here’s a bit of backstory for anyone who does not know about this. Recently, a purple penguin statue was stolen from a museum (it was returned), and the pink elephant in front of Empire pizza has been stolen as well. What people plan to do with these things? I really do not know.

So, there is only one solution to tackle this:

Go full-on Kim Possible.

That’s right. Get the gadgets, cargo pants and a generic white guy with a naked mole rat.

We must do it, or the dinosaur in front of Guyutes is next.

Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,

The stress of the semester is getting to me. How do I tackle insomnia?

Sincerely,

Not the Cookie King.

Dear Not the Cookie King,

First, are we going to forget about the time insomnia cookies opened and the whole campus went insane?

Second, here is what to do if you have insomnia:

1. Drink some tea.

2. Turn off your phone.

3. Realize this does not actually work.

4. Break your phone in half and pour the tea on your head out of frustration.

5. Get drugs.

Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,

How do I change myself this year?

Sincerely,

Can I Change at All?

Dear Can I Change at All?,

Probably not. But remember, time is simply a social construct, and you do not need a new year to change your ways.

Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.