Hello, three readers who read this column (two of the three are my parents). This week, I will not be answering questions. It is
too tragic of a time to be answering questions.
We have lost a friend. A friend who was there during good times, bad times and mediocre at best.
The Sonic on 23rd Street.
Yet, this fallen warrior is not our only friend who has been lost.
In this week’s column, I will be writing eulogies for our fallen heroes. Dead? Yes. But forgotten? Never.
Sonic
Yes, we begin with the one and only Sonic. One fine morning, we were all mulling about our business, and we saw that it had been shut down, completely boarded with wood. What happened?
The world realized that licking a toilet bowl is probably more sanitary than consuming anything at this Sonic.
But, this place packs nostalgia. It was where you went when you wanted a slushee. It was where you went when you wanted to just hang with friends. It was also where you watched old, angry people eat a 50 cent corn dog, questioning what led them to this exact moment in time.
I can no longer get mozzarella sticks when I please. This is probably better for my health, but not for my heart.
Buy 4 Less (AKA Die for Less)
Ah, Die for Less. The place where you went to get frozen mac and cheese when Neighborhood Wal-Mart was closed.
Die for Less is to grocery stores as Denny’s is to restaurant chains…sketchy and the absolute last resort (could also be compared to Waffle House).
I was once having a very bad day, and I went to Die for Less for some ramen noodles and Nutella. I didn’t notice that there was something on the floor, and I ended up slipping. I was lying there, shocked by my fall, when an employee came up to me. The following conversations ensued:
“Did you slip?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
She walked away, leaving me alone with my dried out noodles and jar of diabetes.
I’ve considered this interaction a pretty good metaphor for me confronting my problems. I acknowledge it, but do nothing to fix it.
Don’t get me wrong, I will always appreciate this grocery store for being where I did most of my shopping when I lived in Oklahoma for a summer. However, I blame it for providing the worst Diet Coke I have ever tasted (only Die for Less would sell Diet Coke in a can that is bad).
McDonald’s
It’s actually still in business. However, I once went into the bathroom there and heard a woman moaning in one of the stalls.
In other words, it needs to die.
Alvin’s
Oh yes. YOU THOUGHT I WOULD NOT GO THERE! BUT LOOK HERE! I DID!
THE ECLECTIC HENRY! THE FIVE-CHEESE ZITI! THE SALADS THAT NO ONE EVER ATE!
THEY TOOK AWAY WHAT WE LOVED AND REPLACED IT WITH AN OVERPRICED MARKET THAT SELLS HIPSTER GRANOLA BARS THAT NOBODY WANTS TO EAT!
(Do not get me wrong, I only have 12 points left, and most of my money goes to Chick-fil-A, BUT AM I NOT ALLOWED TO MOURN?)
I am curious to see what will happen to Alvin’s market in 20 years… things will have been renovated five times, and a bag of Doritos will cost $15.
And there you have it. Eulogies for those we have lost.
All I hope is that Raising Canes doesn’t close, even though its nickname is “Nightmare on 23rd Street.”
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.
Leave a Reply