In this week’s column, I will be discussing stomach flu, tangerines and itchy boobs.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I eat a tangerine without ruining my nails?
Sincerely,
Nailed It
Dear Nailed It,
No you didn’t.
My advice is to carry a knife with you everywhere you go, so you may cut as many tangerines as you please.
Another option is an axe. Threaten all the men who catcall you.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
I feel like my boobs are constantly itching, especially when I wear a sports bra. I have no clue how to stop it (especially because I have bigger breasts). Any advice?
Sincerely,
A Blue Footed Booby
Dear A Blue Footed Booby,
You see, sports bras, as well as unseasoned chicken, were invented by puritans. They decided that somehow there was a direct correlation between the purification of the Catholic Church and the constriction of balls of fat that feed newborns.
Obviously, you can’t touch your boobs in public, because the touching of any breast in public is sexual and will keep all the boys around you from getting their degrees. So, here’s a list of ways to alleviate your itch in public without giving away your secret:
- Act like a seal and clap your hands with your arms out, using that distraction to push your breasts together to relieve your itch.
- Pretend you dropped something, but actually press your boobs against the floor while “looking” for it.
- Give yourself a time out, go to the corner and use those spare minutes to scratch.
- Dress as a wizard with a cloak so no one can see your hands.
- Dramatically throw yourself at a wall and pretend to sob as you rub your boobs against it.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I get over the stomach flu?
Sincerely,
Vomiting Everywhere
Dear Vomiting Everywhere,
The problem is that your stomach “flew” away.
Get a net to catch it.
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.
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