In honor of the “describe yourself like a male author would” trend, every question will be answered in the style of a straight, white cis-gender male writer. Let’s put on our glasses and get out typewriters.
I am no longer the Crazy Kazoo Lady.
I am now the lead in “A Romantic Comedy that Does not Pass the Bechdel Test.”
Let’s begin.
Dear Straight White Male,
What do you do when the person you’re dating is out of your league?
Sincerely,
Not as Hot as Him
Dear Not as Hot as Him,
The last girl I dated was out of my league. I was sitting in a coffee shop, working on my new novel that will be an equivalent to Catcher in the Rye. However, it will be whinier and the grain will now be quinoa.
She walked in, I immediately noticed her beautiful breasts that bounced boobily as she walked into the shop. Her buttocks were curved, which her navy blue jeans clung to, in the same way that I wished to cling to them.
She told me her name, I do not remember it.
All I knew is that she was now my muse and that I needed to dedicate my life to writing about her.
She ended up leaving me because she said I didn’t listen.
I drank a lot of whiskey, and could not believe that I, a nice guy, was turned down again.
All I can tell you is that love will not last, but the image of their breasts, it always will.
Dear Straight White Male,
How do you deal with the permanently crushing anger that comes from being a woman in a patriarchal world?
Sincerely,
Angry Feminist
Dear Angry Feminist,
Look, I admire girls that are feisty. I think when a girl has a bit of spice to her, it’s kind of hot.
However, you can’t understand the struggles that males go through. Think about all of our problems. Think about what it’s like to not have a six-pack. Think about what it’s like to get rejected by women all the time. Think about what it’s like to still live with your parents.
Be empathetic. We empathize with you in our novels, why won’t you empathize with us in real life?
Dear Straight White Male,
How do I not miss home in my last few weeks?
Sincerely,
Aching for My Family
Dear Aching for My Family,
That’s not the only thing you’re aching for right? Lolz.
I mean, if you’re up, you should come over. *wink wink*
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.
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