Dylan Slackmann, sociology senior, flew back to Oklahoma yesterday after spending his spring break in Los Angeles.
Like many of his peers, Slackmann said he was suffering from senioritis, but he returned from his break with a tan, a full stomach and a fresh perspective.
“After a week off, I felt like I could do anything and knew these last seven weeks would be a breeze,” he said. “I really found myself in LA and came to terms with the kind of productive and positive student I want to be.”
Slackmann remained positive throughout the entirety of Monday morning, until his second class began. He said the two-hour high lasted longer than he expected.
“My two hours of glory lasted 12 minutes into my second class,” he said. “Then, my positivity and productivity began to dwindle and I remembered that my life has no defined purpose or contribution to society. I suddenly felt the need to throw myself into a pit of boiling asphalt.”
Slackmann went to the campus Chick-fil-A for lunch, hoping to lift his spirits, but he said a dab of excess mustard ruined his experience.
Dr. Samuel Chiccan, Chick-fil-A cashier, said he was concerned by Slackmann’s behavior.
“The kid kept twitching, like he was trying to smile to hide a demonic expression,” Chiccan said. “He took one bite of his chicken sandwich and lost it. He screamed and flicked mustard in my face before laying on the ground and moaning, ‘why me,’ using the sandwich as a pillow.”
Slackmann then dropped out of the university on an “extended spring break,” but his parents are still confident that he will excel in his intended career as an oral maxillofacial surgeon.
“College is stressful, and the poor boy had classes for three whole hours every day,” said Penelope DooLittle, Slackmann’s mother. “He deserves another break. Dylan is the hardest-working member of our family. When he’s a surgeon, he will be able to set his own hours.”
Slackmann said he plans to lay on his bedroom floor for at least eight more days.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to finish the semester, but at least I have a backup plan,” he said. “If I can’t become an oral maxiofacial surgeon, I’ll just be a movie star.”
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