Alright guys, you know what day it is? Valentine’s Day. Either you’re getting down with your significant other, or getting down with a bag of frozen chicken nuggets from Wal-Mart. Either way, I have the advice that you need to make it through the capitalistic exploitation of romance.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I spend single awareness day this year?
Sincerely,
Forever Alone
Dear Forever Alone,
As someone who has always been single on Valentine’s Day, I get that it can be somewhat daunting.
So here are some things to do to enjoy yourself this year:
Bathe in a lush bath bomb
Bathe in a pool of chocolate
Bathe in a pile of loose change
Bathe in a pile of dog hair
Bathe in the souls of all of your ancestors who were able to get laid, and hope some of their charm rubs off on you.
I also recommend eating a lot of cheese. If you have no romantic cheese, might as well have the literal kind.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
What can I do to spice up Valentine’s for my SO?
Sincerely,
Wanna make it special
Dear Wanna make it Special,
This is how to do it.
Make them a nice dinner with grape juice (dry campus).
Lead them to the bedroom. There should be candles lit, and the bed should be covered in rose petals. The lights should be dimmed.
Begin to strip for them, leading to the huge reveal:
You are actually a lizard. You are sent from your lizard planet to feed on the human race, and to take over the world. Your significant other will either scream with sexual desire, or scream with the thought of “OH CRAP I’VE BEEN DATING A LIZARD FOR THE PAST 6 MONTHS”. They may run away, but keep on chasing them, for you should never give up on love.
Proceed to eat your significant other, leave the bones behind, and report to your leader, The Lizard King. Yes, you will report to Jim Morrison of The Doors. You’re welcome.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
Should I propose to my girlfriend this Valentine’s day?
Sincerely,
Madly in Love
Dear Madly in Love,
Proposing to your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day is the equivalent of hooking up with a horse…
A freaking horrific, unoriginal idea… don’t do it.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
Galentine’s Day ideas?
Sincerely,
Me and my Girls
Dear Me and my Girls,
Drink the blood of your exes.
#justgirlythings
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.
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