How to break up before Valentine’s Day -

Everyone says Valentine’s Day is silly and trivial, but people obviously take it seriously.

Your significant other is going to expect a gift, but the perfect Valentine gift is impossible to find. Flowers, chocolates and teddy bears are cheesy, and humorous gifts aren’t romantic enough. You’ll go broke if you spend the same amount you would for a Christmas or birthday gift, so it’s a better idea to break up and treat yourself instead. Break ups can be tricky, so here are some easy options.

The dramatic break up
You might as well break up in style. Gather your pals, and have them stage a huge brawl that involves throwing food and jumping on tables. Make a huge deal about heroically breaking up the fight before shouting, “It’s all YOUR fault, [insert significant other’s name here]!” Make sure Willie hears you and takes your side.

The sneaky break up
If you’re a non-confrontational person, you don’t need to tell them in person. Instead, send out an announcement in a Blue Notes email. It’s discreet, and you’ll have time to prepare yourself for a conversation, since they probably won’t notice for a couple days.

The role-playing break up
If you and your partner were into role-playing during your nearly exterminated relationship, this might be the approach for you. Find or make yourself an OCUPD costume, complete with a badge and walkie-talkie that your friend can use to notify you when your significant other is approaching their car. Strut over to their car and write up an official-looking break up ticket listing all their offenses. Without making eye contact, place it on their car and leave.

The symbolic break up
If you’re an artsy type, gather as many broken items as you can. Throughout your partner’s day, scatter broken crayons, sticks, glass, body parts, etc. in their path until they’re freaked out enough to realize what’s going on.

The powerful break up
Wait until your significant others goes to the gym. Hijack the fitness center’s sound system, and amp up your break up playlist. Disguise yourself as a gym employee, and sneak over to your partner’s treadmill. When they’re in the zone, distract them and crank up their treadmill speed until they fly off the end. Then, reveal yourself. You can now break up with them in a position of power… unless they break up with you first.

The romantic break up
Reserve a romantic dinner for two at Grand House. Make a big deal about it to your significant other, and then don’t show up. Have the waiter give them a fortune cookie that says, “You will no longer find love.” You should still pay for their sushi, though. It’s Grand House, so they’ll take StarsCash.

The guilt-trip break up
Wrap up a beautiful journal full of writings just for them. The writings are actually a list of your insecurities and reasons you are unworthy of dating your partner. They won’t want to date you after that, but they’ll feel guilty instead of you.

The sweet break up
If you feel bad about breaking up with your partner, you don’t have to set them up for loneliness. Set up a Tinder account for them and find a match. When they head out for your romantic date, they won’t find the person they expect. However, they might find their next love interest, and your conscience is clean.