In this week’s advice column, I tackle the issues of post-show depression, heart break, and sexy banana eating.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
I just finished a show and now I have no life purpose. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Sad and Show-Deprived
Dear Sad and Show-Deprived,
The show can never die.
Take your show on tour. Get the whole cast back together and perform it all over campus. Do it on the quad. Do it in imitation Alvins. Do it in the tunnels of the Goldstar building. The ghosts will watch you.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I get over my pre-recital nerves?
Sincerely,
I’m more Nervous than I Should Be
Dear I’m more Nervous than I Should Be,
Go in front of your audience and eat a banana in a really sexual way. Everyone will be uncomfortable and their expectations will be lowered. So, anything you do will be considered incredible.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I deal with heart break?
Sincerely,
I hate men
Dear I hate men,
Don’t generalize about men. Remember, all people are horrific.
Second, turn on “Before He Cheats,” by Carrie Underwood (I don’t know what the situation is but that song works for every situation so just go with it), and eat a lot of gummy bears. Eat so many, that you have to shit out all of your feelings. Proceed to look in the toilet, and realize that your ex is the equivalent of what’s in it.
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