Hillari Miller, vegan suburban mother of three and part-time yoga instructor, leads a busy and fulfilling life, but prides herself in her ability to keep up with the current news. This week, she shares her thoughts on recent events.
News: Hurricane Irma strikes Florida Keys, will likely hit the Florida peninsula next.
Hillari’s thoughts: “It’s just awful. I have a personal connection because my husband’s great-aunt’s daughter-in-law has a boyfriend who lives there, and her co-workers had to evacuate. They’re living with family in Montana right now, and I just cannot imagine how cold it must be all the way up there!”
News: Woman delivers her own baby during Hurricane Irma.
Hillari’s thoughts: “I’m very into natural and organic processes, so I think this method of birth is probably healthy for the baby. However, the environment was probably not very Zen, so I hope that brave woman at least had some dandelion oil to rub on her temples.”
News: Education Secretary Betsy DeVos announced planned changes to Title IX that would give more rights to students accused of sexual assault.
Hillari’s thoughts: “Obviously, our pal Betsy wasn’t one of the 20 percent of women who are sexually assaulted in college. Good for her. My baby girl, Margeaux, is 12 and will be off to college in just six years. She’s a pageant queen and competitive lacrosse midfielder. She has the body and spirit of a champion, and there’s not a single male out there worthy of her. If college isn’t safe for her, I won’t let her go.”
News: China plans to ban production/sale of diesel and petrol vehicles, eventually switching over completely to electronic cars.
Hillari’s thoughts: “I think I have a slight gasoline allergy, so I’m not opposed to the change, but I still need a way to get from Zumba to Margeaux’s school to Emersyn’s baby socialization art class to the family kettleball session to ladies’ kombucha and spa night.”
News: It opens in theaters, earns third largest box office opening weekend in 2017.
Hillari’s thoughts: “Look, I’ll be honest. Jerry and I get one date night a week. I had just finished a killer CrossFit class and was exhausted, so I got wine drunk and slept through it.”
News: Members of “Decapitated,” a Polish metal band, were arrested for kidnapping.
Hillari’s thoughts: “That kind of devil music pierces my eardrums, and anyone who creates it deserves to be in jail. I’ve got my own kid napping problem. As in they don’t. Emersyn ralphed in my Louis Vuitton, and I almost wished the metalheads would’ve taken him instead.”
News: OU’s football team defeated Ohio State on Sept. 9.
Hillari’s thoughts: “Thank God they won because I don’t think I could have managed the task of consoling my husband on top of nursing a newborn while serving homemade organic vegan pizza rolls.”
News: New artificial intelligence at Stanford can identify people’s sexual orientation by scanning their faces, with about 81 percent accuracy.
Hillari’s thoughts: “See, I don’t know how I feel about the ethics of this regarding people, but I’d LOVE to use this little skill on Patrick, my Maltipoo. I don’t want to neuter him if it’s not necessary. If there’s no chance he’ll get some little girl doggie pregnant, I’ll just keep letting him feel like a man.”
Comment below if you’d like to hear Hillari’s thoughts on any other news items.
You are cracking me up with this!