In this week’s advice column, we’ll be dealing with peanut butter, guy problems, and Bonnie Tyler.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
I lost my regular sunglasses, so I’ve been wearing my eclipse glasses when I drive. I’ve run over seven mailboxes and maimed one of those long armed dancing blow up things car companies put outside when they’re having a sale. What could I possibly be doing wrong?
Grace
Dear Grace,
Thank you for “grace”ing us with your presence on this advice column (see what I did there? bahahahah).
The reason why your eclipse glasses aren’t working is because you have not been playing Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” every time you’ve been driving. Without the song, it will cause you to “turnaround” into mailboxes and blow up things.
If this does not work, it is not enough power. You must find Bonnie Tyler, and call on her to sing the song, in order to bring the eclipse back. Because you “need it now tonight, and you need it more than ever.”
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I help my friend deal with guy problems?
Sincerely,
The best friend ever
Dear The best friend ever,
A comprehensive guide on how to help your friend with guy problems:
- Feed her chocolate.
- Feed her ice cream
- Feed her anything that has melted cheese.
- Feed her Twinkies
- Find the guy and punch him.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
Help! I accidentally dropped peanut butter into my engine while re-building it. Will this give my car more energy due to the protein, or will my engine now be haunted?
Mechanic Dude
Dear Mechanic Dude,
The car is now haunted by the ghost of George Washington Carver (even though he didn’t actually invent peanut butter, even though that’s what elementary school taught us).
Run.
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.
Leave a Reply