Hey everyone! This article is dedicated to all of the new OCU students. I’m here to answer your questions, and to give you condoms (I’m kidding, I’m too poor to buy condoms, and you should be saving yourself for our lord and savior, The Flying Spaghetti Monster).
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
I am currently a Freshman. I grew up around all of the same people, and I never really had to make new friends. Now I’m at a new school, and I have to meet new people. Any advice on how to cure loneliness?
Sincerely,
Friendless Finance Major
Dear Friendless Finance major,
There’s your first problem… you’re a finance major, and most finance major’s idea of a good time is counting.
Secondly, when I first got to OCU, I found the best way to gain friends was to get a blanket, sit in the middle of the quad, and cry. I don’t mean silently, I mean FREAKING LOUD SOBBING SO THAT EVERYONE CAN HEAR, EVEN THE PEOPLE IN THE LAMDA CHI HOUSE!
You can also introduce people with a fun fact, such as:
1. Bees are dying at an alarming rate.
2. Global Warming is still a thing
3. Dogs love squeaky toys because it feeds their killer instinct.
4. Suicide Squad won an Oscar
5. There are dead bodies under the Gold Star Memorial Building (still working on confirming this)
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
I am moving away from my home in Texas for the first time. How do I deal with homesickness?
Sincerely,
I wanna go ho o ome o o o ome o ome
Dear I wanna go ho o ome o o o ome o ome,
I get the Spongebob reference, good work.
I’m not from Texas, I’ve never been to Texas, and I’m an alien from Mars, so my interest in Texas is low. Like, below sea level low. Like, lost city of Atlantis low.
So, according to stereotypes, this is what I assume they do to help with homesickness.
1. Eat a lot (specifically queso – Cheese is my child).
2. Go line dancing (this is actually a thing, I thought the television was lying, it’s actually a thing).
3. Wear a ten gallon hat.
4. Drink a lot of sweet tea.
5. Steal Whataburger numbers (why the hell you people do this, I will never understand)
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
Should I join a sorority?
Sincerely,
Seeking Sisterhood
Dear Seeking Sisterhood,
I went to one sorority event for the free food, and that’s the most sorority thing I’ve ever done. I feel bad. They’re actually very nice people. My brain still scolds myself for doing this. My stomach does not.
To each his own.
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.
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