In this week’s column, we deal with time management, tuition, and the Cheetah Girl song “Fuego.”
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I balance school, homework, and rehearsal?
-A Doggo Fuego
Dear, A Doggo Fuego,
Are you named after the Cheetah Girl’s song “Fuego”, a masterpiece of Disney Channel? If so, I utterly applaud your parents. Also, if you are a doggo, your parents are also doggos, so I applaud them even more.
To balance all of this, I highly recommend that you imitate a bee. I don’t just mean in the metaphor, “busy bee”, I mean in freaking “Bee Movie” bee, where instead of actually focusing on everything you need to get done, you decide to sue the human race for giving you all of this stuff to deal with.
Watch the movie in preparation, and buy a bee costume. Or, make your own if you are crafty. Eat nothing but raw honey. Sit on random people, just as a bee does. Buzz at people who annoy you. If they really annoy you, bite them (or invest in poison and an injection needle).
If you become a bee, I am sure your problems will be solved (and by solved, I mean left behind in the dumpster for more important things).
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
What did Sean Penn bring to the people of Haiti?
Sincerely,
I am literally quoting a cards against humanity card.
Dear I am literally quoting a cards against humanity card,
First off, motherf&$cking obvious.
Second, if Haiti is a metaphor for OCU, free college tuition.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
There has been a problem on my mind for a while…how exactly did Hagrid (from Harry Potter) get conceived? His father was a regular sized human being, while his mother was a giant.
Do I really need to explain more?
Sincerely,
Not Erik
Dear Not Erik,
Welcome back to my advice column. I am happy I can keep helping you (it’s not like I literally run up to you and beg you to give me advice because NO ONE IS SENDING ME QUESTIONS).
Anyway, as I have said before, babies are created through high fiving and glitter. In the wizarding world, it’s extra magical. Human glitter is simply silver. Magic glitter has all the colors of the rainbow. Also, because Hagrid’s dad was so much smaller than his mom, the high five was even awesomer, which created an even awesomer baby.
But in all honesty, do you even think J.K. Rowling knows how the hell Hagrid’s parents created him? Do you want to even know?
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.
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