Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady: a bad advice column

Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
Why do boys not like me?
Sincerely,
Glitterbomb

Dear Glitterbomb,

Have you been taking showers lately? According to scientific studies, conducted by myself, straight boys hate it when the opposite sex bathes. The smell of soap masks your natural, womanly scent, which is what guys actually crave.

My advice for you is to avoid anything related to cleaning. Don’t even wash your hands after you pee. Don’t even use a toilet to GO pee. Scream at the sight of soap or hand sanitizer. If you want to go even further, roll around in some mud. These are just a few of the things to do to play into becoming the ideal woman for man’s pleasure, which is what is supposed to be our goal anyway.

Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
Do dogs go to heaven?
Sincerely,
Cheese Dip

Dear Cheese Dip,
Most dogs will go to heaven. However, there are many dogs who do not deserve to go to heaven, BECAUSE THEY ARE M%+#&R*@$%ING @&$HOLES!
For example, I once knew a dog named Helen who FREAKING RIPPED APART MY SWAN LAKE BARBIE DOLL, AND SHE DID NOT APOLOGIZE. INSTEAD, SHE RAN AWAY AND CRIED WHEN I YELLED AT HER! AND THEN THERE WAS A DOG NAMED MR. SNUFFLES WHO STOLE MY COPY OF Who Cares About Elderly People? BY PAM ADAMS AND PEED ON IT AND THREW IT OFF A BRIDGE.
But, some dogs can redeem themselves. That’s why so many go to Pug-atory.

Dear Crazy-Kazoo Lady,
I’m currently directing a show. It’s going well, but it’s so stressful. How do I survive tech week?
-That

Dear That,
Who is you.

My advice is to adopt an extremely loud baby, because it will keep you awake at all times, and will remind you that you should be worrying about your show instead of anything else that might hold precedence in your life. Furthermore, if you keep this baby with you during rehearsals, the actors will be so angry by its constant screaming that they will take their rage out on this crying baby instead of on you.
Also, drink coffee. Feed some to the baby too.