Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady: a bad advice column -

Crazy Kazoo Lady

Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,

There’s this guy on campus that I really like. He is so freaking cute and I really want him to like me the way that I like him. The problem is that I don’t know how to flirt, or how to even ask someone out. Thoughts?

With thanks,
Hopelessly in Love

Dear Hopelessly in Love,

I’m happy that you have come to me, because I am an expert on dating. My relationship with my stuffed lamb Bert has been going swimmingly these past few years, so I not only know how to rope em’ in, but keep them coming back for more. My best advice is to seduce this boy with your mating call. Go to an empty field – there are plenty in OKC – and practice. It may take a while, but I know you can do it.

I have found that my mating call is a mixture of mooing and pterodactyl screaming.

Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,

I am a music theater freshman. I didn’t get cast last semester, and I really want to get cast in a show this year. I’m auditioning for the musicals and for Out of the Box. Any audition tips?

Yours truly,
Born to Entertain

Dear Born to Entertain,

Your name annoys me because everyone and their third cousin twice-removed believes that they were born to entertain. Don’t believe me? Ask your third cousin twice-removed Mildred at your next family reunion. Anyway, I am going to help you out by revealing my audition trick that always gets me cast.

Go into the audition room dressed as a cow. Have extremely detailed udders and horns – they will admire your artistic abilities. Also, bring a baby cow in on a leash because baby animals are freaking adorable. Then, perform an interpretive dance with this baby cow. (It’ll take a while to teach this baby cow how to dance, but trust me, it’s worth it). They will either be weeping tears of joy or sadness.

Or, just bring some brownies and give them to each of the audition panel. The only thing artists love more than their craft is free food.