11 period classics translated for millennials

Everyone loves these classic stories, but some of the plots can be hard to understand since we live in a completely different time period. Here are millennialized versions of these classics, to make them more #relatable.

1. Newsies
Twitter and Facebook have become giant corporations and are forcing users to suffer through excessive ads. Millennials organize a strike, refusing to like or share any posts until the ads are gone. Songs include “Updating the Banner” and “Seize the Bae.”

2. The Crucible
A group of girls goes dancing in the forest and takes a selfie. They post it on Instagram with a nofilter hashtag, but the school slore accuses them of using the Clarendon filter. She wants the local hottie for herself, so she hacks all the pretty girls’ accounts, puts filters on their selfies, and accuses them of lying. Major characters: John Proctor, Abigail Williams, Turnt-uba

3. Little House on the Prairie
A millennial girl blogs about her life as her family decides to live an all-organic, solar-powered, cage free lifestyle. Sequels include Dose Happy Golden Years Doe and On the Banks of Plum Fleek.

4. Pride and Prejudice
Mr. Bingley is the newest contestant on The Bachelor. It’s clear from the first night that he’s going to pick Jane, but he’s kind of a pussy about it and leads her on for several seasons. Lydia elopes with Wickham, who just wants to Netflix & chill, but she doesn’t really care. Mr. Darcy meets ELizabeth at the club and subtweets her a lot, but she doesn’t pick up on the clues. Actually, she thinks he’s pretty gross and unfriends him on Facebook. He gets butthurt about it, but they get together in the end. Famous quote: “Completely and perfectly and incandescently #blessed.”

5. The Outsiders
A bunch of teenage Democrats get in a fight with a group of extremist Republicans on an online forum. When one of the Trump supporters gets their account blocked, the Republicans flip their shit and report all the Democrats. The head Bronie convinces Hillary supporters to keep a low profile, and the Democrats reevaluate their political decisions, wishing they could return to the golden days of Bernie. Sequel: That was #Then, This is #Now.

6. Titanic
A bunch of millenials need an escape, so they join a virtual world that allows them to lead a new lifestyle. All of a sudden, a giant virus starts taking over their computers. The ad-blocker is only accessible to a few, so they must choose who keeps the virtual life and who doesn’t. When the virus reaches the virtual lovers, only one ad-blocker is left. Mr. Romance gives it to his lady friend at the last second, letting her computer live, while his crashes immediately.

7. Oliver
A young boy joins a group of hipsters, without realizing the group is controlled by “the man.” Songs include “Consider self help” and “Food, gluten free food.”

8. Les Misérables
A guy gets sent to jail for pirating movies because he couldn’t afford a Netflix account for his family. Russel Crowe gets super pissed and follows him around a lot. Next, the dude adopts this poor little girl he found on Craigslist and they hide in a secret church that lets them watch Netflix whenever. Then, a young political dude sees the girl on Tinder and falls in love, even though his real-life girlfriend is pretty bomb. The girl falls in love with him too, even though he’s a libertarian, which means he doesn’t really stand a chance in the battles. Songs include “Can’t even on a Cloud” and “At the End of the Slay.”

9. Grease
A girl and a guy have a passionate online relationship. They brag about it to all of their friends, but when they meet in real life, she realizes he’s a hardcore bro, and she’s more of a prude. She gets sexy for him, which works, but the rest of the world is like, “Come on, girl, he’s not worth it.” Songs include “U r da 1 I Want” and “TBH, There are worse things I could do, amirite?”

10. The Sound of Music
A sister tries to swear off dudes but then falls for a guy who has a whole bunch of Pokémon children. She teaches the Pokémon how to sing. The lover guy realizes that the world is in a giant Pokémon Go battle, and his gym is under siege. He knows his Pokémon are not evolved enough for that, so he gets them the hell out of there. Songs include “Sandshrew going on Sandslash” and “Do-Re-Meowth.”

11. Hairspray
A dancer just wants to join Company, but she doesn’t make it past weigh-ins, so she’s kicked out. Her dance skills are pretty on point though, so she uses #ocugrit to stick it to the man. Her transgender mom is super proud, and she falls in love with a hipster named after a fence. Songs include “Good Morning Portland” and “Welcome to the Now.”