Columnist proposes undergound Oreo empire

America’s favorite cookie is just as addictive as the hard narcotic cocaine, according to a recent study.

Cocaine is considered one of the most harmful and addictive drugs on the market, according to the Controlled Substances Act of 1990.

But 10 year olds everywhere and myself are feeling at risk knowing that our favorite cookie, Oreos, could be as addictive as a hard drug.

People need to stop being so quick to condemn the Oreo.

I mean, I don’t think I want to imagine a world where Oreos are illegal.

You think trying to control marijuana is a problem, just wait until people have nothing to dunk in their milk… they’ll riot.

I’d be the first to set up an underground market for the stuff to ensure people were getting their double stuffed fix, even though regular Oreos are better.

I’d hit the market early and rise to the status of the nation’s kingpin in the Oreo underground.

I’d be so legendary I would garner the nickname The Provider.

People would come from all around to get the good stuff.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about, the Oreos that make your milk blue, or the peanut butter ones.

I’d have the special stuff that no one else would even dare to try and make in his or her grandma’s basement.

I’d hire former Oreo employees who would know the secrets of how to get the cream consistency just right.

I’m a man of the people. I would want to make sure that people got what they wanted, for the right price of course.

I’m sure the FBI and the DEA would start coming after me. I’d even probably make the Top 10 most wanted list.

But you tell me an FBI or DEA agent wouldn’t easily be bribed with my top-of-the-line product.

No one could stop me from rising up to be one of the greatest gangsters of all time.

Listen up, OCU people. The time soon may come where I will be in need of a few trusted souls to ensure our favorite cookie never dies.

Together, we will make sure every glass of milk is graced with the presence of the superior, supreme and perfect combination of cookie and crème that humanity has ever devised—the Oreo.