Cosmo perceptions

By Erin Ferrell, Columnist

Erin Ferrell

At 12 years of age, I had very specific idea of what it was to be a woman. It was an idea, unfortunately, that I had acquired by surreptitious readings of Cosmopolitan magazine. Whenever I happened to be in a drugstore or supermarket sans parents, I would purchase a glossy, highly colored copy and read it over and over, until the scandal and smell of the perfume ads had faded.

Imagine my surprise, at age 18 or so, upon learning that grown up women did not, as a whole, read Cosmo. So, at the wise, old age of 23, I decided to give Cosmopolitan, or rather the free content on its website, a second chance. Bad decision.

Being dirty-minded and proud of it, I made a touchpad beeline for the sex articles. First on the list: “Naughtier Ways to Be a Tiger in the Bedroom.” The blurb referenced the recent “Tiger Mother” debacle involving a Chinese mother who both glorified and lampooned stereotypes of Asian parenting. I assumed there would be some Eastern sex secrets embedded in the article, maybe some Kama Sutra for those who can’t read a map.

When I saw that the first tip was “Use Your Claws,” I felt I had been completely taken in by the blurb. The “article” continued to use feline imagery with words like “pounce,” “purr,” and uh, “jungle cat.” Because nothing is sexier than a wild animal that can rip your head off with its daggers-for-teeth.

Since the weird “Tiger” piece had left me so confused about “What Men Want,” I proceeded to a linked article entitled “10 Sex Cravings All Men Have.” I was already wary because I refuse to believe that beyond the obvious, all men want exactly the same things. Most of the 10 are pretty obvious. I think I said “DUH” aloud for the first time in five years. So guys, apparently you want sex to be fun, spontaneous, and varied. By the way, you occasionally want to wear a “penis sleeve” and sex acts sprung upon you during black tie dinners at which your parents may or may not be present. In Cosmo’s defense the penis sleeve isn’t as bad as one suggestion that I remember vividly from my younger days. It involved the use of a scrunchie. Also gentlemen, Cosmo implies that you are all lazy-ass lovers. I didn’t say it. Cosmo did.

Sufficiently weirded out and convinced that my unwillingness to try out a penis sleeve was going to doom my sex life, I headed over to relationship articles to see if Cosmo could help me Score a Man. Or something. Apparently a Cosmo girl doesn’t need help with the actual relationship, she just needs help with the ending of it. I would conservatively estimate that 80 percent of the articles in this section are about divorce, cheating, or handling a breakup.

This entire website is depressing. It refuses to acknowledge the depth of both men and women, reducing both genders to their grossest stereotypes. I found myself wondering not only why any woman would want to date the kind of men Cosmo suggests exist, but why any man would want to date this kind of woman. Some of the zany sex tips are definitely chuckle worthy (see: scrunchie), but I can’t handle Cosmopolitan in print without first partaking in a Cosmopolitan of the liquid variety.