Many students set new goals at the beginning of the new year, but the college lifestyle makes some resolutions difficult. At OCU, students have all the resources they need for their New Year’s resolutions, if they look closely enough.
1. Resolution: Spend less time on social media
How to use OCU resources to your advantage: Easy. Only connect to social media while on OCU’s Wi-Fi.
2. Resolution: Become comfortable with my body
How to use OCU resources to your advantage: Make a list of everyone more attractive than you, and inject them with strains of old-time diseases in their sleep. Use a variety of illnesses so no one becomes too suspicious. Suggested diseases: dysentery, cholera, diphtheria, typhus, and whooping cough.
3. Resolution: Travel more
How to use OCU resources to your advantage: Write up a heartbreaking story about your entire system of family and friends being lost at sea. Post the story to various OCU Facebook pages, pleading for someone to take you home with them. Let people comment for a while before selecting the student with the most exotic offer. Repeat each break with a new sob story.
4. Resolution: Eat healthier
How to use OCU resources to your advantage: Eat as many fruits and veggies as you want, but only snack on weekends where there are no performances.
5. Resolution: Drink less alcohol
How to use OCU resources to your advantage: Stay on campus and FOLLOW THE RULES LIKE EVERY SINGLE PERSON ALWAYS DOES.
6. Resolution: Spend more time with family
How to use OCU resources to your advantage: Join another music studio, theater society, Greek house, or other organization that gives you a little. Designate your own littles based on the places you spend time together (i.e. caf little, practice room little, wuad little, library little, Dorm room little, gym little, bathroom little) until you can’t walk across campus without seeing a member of your “family.” Forget the folks at home. OCU is your family now.
7. Resolution: Spend less money
How to use OCU resources to your advantage: Please. If you go to OCU and still have money to spend, this doesn’t need to be your resolution.
8. Resolution: Cut down on stress
How to use OCU resources to your advantage: Call your adviser to reduce your class load. Three credit hours per semester are much less stressful than 18. Then, quit all of your extracurricular activities, and move to a single apartment off campus, so you won’t have to deal with OCU housing or roommate issues. It may take you an extra several years and hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition, not to mention the fact that you won’t make friends because of your extremely limited contact with people, but it’s worth it for your personal sanity, right?
Comment below with more ideas of resolutions and helpful OCU resources.