You’ve been looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner all year. You’re surrounded by loved ones and delicious food, and nothing could be better, until Uncle Buck plops down next to you at the table. Uncle Buck doesn’t have a job, but he loves discussing politics and slightly uncomfortable topics the dinner table. He has thoughts on everything, and there is no way you’re changing his mind.
News: Oklahoma senator passes anti-LGBT laws before pleading guilty for child sex-trafficking a 17 year-old boy.
Uncle Buck’s thoughts: One mistake doesn’t define a person. Think where I’d be if everyone hated me forever after I got caught shoplifting laxatives from CVS in high school. It was a prank, and I turned out fine.
News: New tax plan counts tuition waivers as taxable income.
Uncle Buck’s thoughts: Well, the money’s got to come from somewhere. If people want excess education, they can pay for it themselves.
News: Keystone pipeline leaks 210,000 gallons of oil in South Dakota.
Uncle Buck’s thoughts: I knew this was going to happen. I supported the pipeline at first, but then I heard that the lady who plays Wonder Woman opposed it, so I dedicated my life to the protest. I hitchhiked to North Dakota and burned pipeline workers’ trucks when they told me to leave. I’m working on a book about my experience.
News: Charles Manson, American criminal and cult leader, dies.
Uncle Buck’s thoughts: Sweet Dreams, man. See what I did there? That was one of his songs. Manson changed the 90s music era for me.
News: Authorities want Apple to unlock the iPhone of the Sutherland Springs shooter.
Uncle Buck’s thoughts: Why does Apple even have the ability to do that? We’re giving too much power to corporations these days.
News: Georgia Dome implodes by explosives.
Uncle Buck’s thoughts: I hate the Falcons, but I do wish it could’ve been a different building. Football is important. Destroy something lame, like a spa or something.
News: Scientists predict deadly earthquakes next year due to Earth’s slowing rotation.
Uncle Buck’s thoughts: I suppose they’re going to tell me this is my fault too? I bet if I start recycling and turning off lights, I’ll be able to stop it. Ridiculous.
News: Study in the UK suggests women who sleep on their back in later stages of pregnancy are more likely to have a stillborn child.
Uncle Buck’s thoughts: Yeah, make them sleep on their side was what I was always told. That way, the puke doesn’t choke them. Wait, maybe that was for drunk people. The side is always a safer choice.
Comment below to suggest the next Monday news personality.