Gary the Ghost is a world-renowned Halloween icon and news expert.
News: Kevin Spacey criticized for “hiding under the rainbow” after apologizing for alleged unwanted sexual advances toward 14-year old Anthony Rapp.
Gary’s thoughts: I KNEW there was something spooky about that grasshopper in my favorite classic film, A Bug’s Life.
News: Paul Manafort, Trumps former campaign manager, indicted for using “hidden overseas wealth to enjoy a lavish lifestyle in the United States without paying taxes on that income.”
Gary’s thoughts: I even have to pay taxes, and I’m a ghost. This is crap. If I had hidden wealth overseas, though, you know I’d be passing through the equator to Aruba.
News: After being stranded at sea for about 100 days, two sailors are rescued by the U.S. Navy and then immediately began planning their next sailing trip.
Gary’s thoughts: Look, I get it. Sometimes, you need a wild adventure right after a wild adventure. How do you think I became a ghost?
News: Saudi Arabia will allow women to attend sporting events in stadiums for the first time next year.
Gary’s thoughts: If I had a specified gender, I’d be even angrier about this.
News: Twitter users criticized the structure of the hamburger emoji.
Gary’s thoughts: Finally, we’re talking about something important! Fortunately, my emoji is quite cute and accurate.
News: The Houston Astros defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers 13-12 in the fifth game of the World Series.
Gary’s thoughts: Boy, oh boy, the Astros are better men than me. I offered to help them out by haunting the Dodgers, but they said they wanted to win fair and square. Turns out they didn’t need me…
News: Study suggests corals eat plastic because it tastes good.
Gary’s thoughts: In this case, I’m grateful for my lack of digestive system. I know I’d be way too tempted.