Stacy Smith-Jones has been modeling her eyebrows since she moved in with her boyfriend, Chad, an eyebrow sculptor, best known for tackling Kardashian unibrows. In her free time, Stacy enjoys shopping, chatting about political issues at the salon, and joyriding in her Mini Cooper.
News: NRA announces support for tighter restrictions on bump stocks, attachments that enable semiautomatic rifles to fire faster.
Stacy’s thoughts: I don’t really like guns, but I feel like they could’ve come up with a better name than “bump-stock.” That sounds like a chicken with warts. I’d suggest the name “rifle accessory.”
News: University of Oklahoma’s football team loses to Iowa State.
Stacy’s thoughts: That game was a real bummer. Miranda didn’t bring her famous chicken salad, so I was forced to eat chips and guacamole before the game, which had way too much avocado to be enjoyable. Then, right before the end of the game, no one would go with me to the bathroom, even though they know I get pee-shy when I’m alone.
News: Alphabet, Inc. plans to launch ballon devices to help restore Puerto Rico’s cellular network.
Stacy’s thoughts: That’s really nice of them, but I don’t see how balloons are going to do anything except maybe lift their morale a little bit. I heard the balloons don’t even have messages, though. They’re made out of canvas…?
News: Blade Runner 2049 movie tops charts but still falls short of projected box office income.
Stacy’s thoughts: No wonder it basically flopped! I saw it because Ryan Gosling was in it, and it was rated R for nudity. Then, Ryan never even took his clothes off! Plus, there was way too much fighting.
News: Newly published study suggests that warming soil is emitting more carbon than previously thought, potentially speeding up global warming.
Stacy’s thoughts: I hope that isn’t true because my new diet is carbon free. Also, being overly warm makes me sweat, which is disgusting.
News: Gal Gadot, recently seen as a Wonder Woman, makes out with Kate McKinnon on this weekend’s Saturday Night Live.
Stacy’s thoughts: I think this was a really important episode of SNL because, for the first time ever, it showed that anyone can look beautiful if they try, even Kate McKinnon.
News: California lowers penalty for knowingly exposing sexual partners to HIV.
Stacy’s thoughts: Here’s a tip – don’t get HIV. There are plenty of other people to have sex with. If you’re so worried about it, go on Tinder and start the convo with a simple, “Hey, cutie, do you have HIV?” Then, you are knowledgeable either way.
Comment below if you’d like to hear Stacy’s thoughts on any other headlines.