Travis the Payless shoe salesman has twin Pomeranians named Darcy and Davis. In his free time, he enjoys sitting in saunas, watching sailboats and brewing tea.
News: Bank teller imprisoned for paying off debt and taking vacations with money he stole from a homeless man.
Travis’s thoughts: Okay, where did this homeless man get all his money? Why doesn’t he have a house? I have so many questions. Obviously, the bank teller is in the wrong here, but also, like, I get it. I too would like a luxurious five-star vacation at the expense of a homeless millionaire. I’d especially need it if I was at a boring old bank all day. It’s times likes these that make me thank my lucky stars for my Payless family and the fashionable merchandise that surrounds me every day.
News: Teacher accused of contaminating school flutes with his semen.
Travis’s thoughts: That’s a little kinky, even for me. Don’t involve children or your workplace, that’s what I always say.
News: Mayor of San Juan calls for federal aid to repair storm damage in Puerto Rico.
Travis’s thoughts: I always tell my husband, Terry, “Babe, I can’t read your mind, but you don’t need to use the plush lamp to scratch your back when I’m right here. You’ll burn yourself. Ya gotta ask for help, you know?” All I’m saying is that, if Donald Trump refused a Payless customer like that, he’d be outta there.
News: Woman turns surgically removed vaginal skin into a memorable, sparkly neck pendant.
Travis’s thoughts: Better her than me, I suppose. I better not tell Terry about this one. I can picture the Pinterest disaster now.
News: Marilyn Manson hospitalized after being knocked over by oversized gun props during performance
Travis’s thoughts: It’s a shame she couldn’t finish her tour, but, I mean, that’s the way to go.
News: Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy Magazine, died at age 91.
Travis’s thoughts: Oh, Hughie. It was time.
News: Hawaiians battle over a proposal to build a massive telescope on a sacred mountain.
Travis’s thoughts: No. Absolutely not. I refuse to prioritize scientific advancement above sacred mountain feng shui.
News: Canadian model goes partially blind after tattooing her eyeball.
Travis’s thoughts: That sounds totally worth it. I’ve been thinking about getting a dollar sign on each eyeball.
News: A one-month old baby was found abandoned in a car on the shoulder of Interstate-40 near Oklahoma City.
Travis’s thoughts: That’s just awful. She should have left him at Payless! We’ve been looking for a child! Geez, this might be even worse than when Terry’s dad left him at Hooters for two months as a baby. I think the breasts scarred him. He turned out all right, so I’m hopeful.
News: Las Vegas shooting takes 50 lives and wounds 200.
Travis’s thoughts: I love Vegas. My prayers are with everyone there.
If you’d like to hear Travis’s thoughts on another headline, comment below!