Richie the ruffian is a little punk from Nichols Hills who enjoys video games, anime, pizza, and terrorizing his exhausted mother, Phylis. Here are Richie’s thoughts on recent politics.
News: The Thunder drafts Carmelo Anthony
Richie’s thoughts: Yeah, Carmelo’s pretty sick. I have his Knicks jersey card, so that’ll probably be more valuable than my Tropical Mega Battle 2001 card someday. I wish we could’ve gotten LeBron though. He’s the best there ever was.
News: Football players continue to kneel in protest during the national anthem, despite Trump’s criticism
Richie’s thoughts: I don’t like the national anthem. It’s too high and hurts my ears. They should change it to Epic Metal Dragonborn from Skyrim. Or at least make somebody cool sing it, like Conor McGregor.
News: Angela Merkel was re-elected as Chancellor of Germany
Richie’s thoughts: She reminds me of my grandma, and my grandma sucks at playing Supreme Ruler 2020. She makes really great windmill cookies though, so the German lady might be able to get along with Trump that way.
News: Iran reveals new long-range ballistic missile
Richie’s thoughts: I played with these in Call of Duty: Black Ops 3. Honestly? They’re not great.
News: European space agency reveals plan to colonize on the moon by 2050
Richie’s thoughts: That would be AWESOME!! But would they have wifi? Or cable? Also, could I travel by propelling myself with farts?
News: A professor at Nipissing University in Canada led a study that links facial dimensions with sex drive
Richie’s thoughts: That’s disgusting. My big brother has sex a lot in my basement, and his face looks pretty much like a sloth.
News: A robot in China successfully fits implants in a living person’s mouth without human involvement
Richie’s thoughts: Man, if I could train a robot, I’d teach it to do something useful like buy me Takis or stream Attack on Titan while cleaning my room.
News: Darci Lynne wins America’s Got Talent
Richie’s thoughts: She was in my first grade class and told on me for spitting in her hair, but I was just trying to flirt cause I thought she was cute and could make cool weird noises. After that, she became a teacher’s pet and I didn’t like her that much, but she was okay.
If you’d like to suggest a news personality for next week, comment below.