Hi, there, I’m Sybil Tubb, a 19th-century reporter from the Pioneer Enquirer, bringing the most recent news to breeding grounds near you. Here are the latest tales goin’ around the wagon train.
1. The good lord is planting another Noah’s ark situation down in the newly discovered barren land of Texas.
The good folks of the Houston village are skedaddling up north to avoid Mr. Harvey’s wrath. Of course, I welcome them and their newfangled motor wagons, but in my day, I’d probably just caulk it and float.
2. All week, the academy is holding tryouts for their enactments of the future.
You won’t find these younguns in the field or making fires, but they sure are tuckered out. First, they go in like oxen and get judged. Now, they’re going back to the judges to show off their skirt-flipping skills. It’s a bit disrespectful, if you ask me, but I’m secretly a little jealous to be stuck here with the butter churner.
3. The academy has been blessed with some new human cookers.
The vittles have upgraded from squirrel game to fresh-off-the-hunt bison meat. Some of the younguns seem to be more gatherers than hunters, so these cookers provide leaves as well as hunks of critter flesh!
4. People paid to watch a big ol’ brawl the other night.
Everybody I know gathered round for the boxing bee, where a youngun too old for fightin’ whupped up on an Irish lad. The Irish fellow wasn’t used to fightin’ in that manner, though. Some people said he was made a fool of, but that’s a load of hogwash. It was a darn good brawl.
5. Donald Trump still wants to host a wall raising.
Now, I’ve been to several barn raisings, but the wall he’s referring to doesn’t have a roof. This plan sounds like a big ol’ codfish aristocracy to me. I’m looking for more elbow room, so it doesn’t seem like this would do us much good. But Mr. Trump sure does seem to think he’s the biggest toad in the puddle, so what do I know?
6. The first ship pioneered itself all the way through the arctic without an icebreaker or hypothermia.
At first glance, I thought it was cool that this fancy boat went all the way out there in the dickens without a honkin’ tool to chop up ice barriers. But no hypothermia means the land is gettin’ too darn warm. This ain’t no success story, folks.
7. Taylor Swift handed out a newly sung song.
This little biddy started as a home-grown country singer, but now some folks are callin’ her a strumpet of sorts. I think that’s some harsh namin’, but I was surprised by the namin’ of her song: “Look What You Made Me Do.” Course women like me are made to do things all the time, like laundry, but this youngun seems like the type who won’t be made to do anything. I haven’t been able to find her to sing it to me yet, but I’ll follow up with a full thought session down the road.
Ms. Tubb is currently recovering from a bout of cholera, but she’ll still answer questions you comment below.