This week, we have a very special advice column… it is our first Crazy Kazoo Lady debate!
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
Who would win:
The alien from the movie Alien, or Kevin from Home
Alone with two hours of prep time?
This has been a debate going on in my group chat
Dear This has been a debate going on in my group chat,
I have never seen Alien or Home Alone (I was and still
am a Land Before Time kid, and “Big Water” was, and still is, my jam).
So, from my limited knowledge, this is the plot of each
Alien: It’s about an alien that eats people (I think).
It can also reproduce on your face.
Home Alone: It’s about the beginning of Macaulay Culkin’s
After doing extensive research (reading the Wikipedia
plot of each movie), here is my list of reasons why the alien could win:
- The alien seems to be indestructible (there’s a reason why there are so many
unnecessary sequels in this franchise).
- It has very acidic blood (so if it explodes or gets shot, it can destroy everything).
- It can plant a freaking baby-maker on your face that explodes out of your
chest (except it shouldn’t do that to Kevin, because he’s underage and it is not consensual).
- It has looks that could kill (no, I really mean it, this thing is fugly).
- It’s a freaking alien against a child, so does anything else need to be said?
However, there are possible reasons why Kevin (with two
hours of prep time) could potentially win the battle:
- Kevin seems to be indestructible (there’s a reason why there are so many unnecessary
sequels in this franchise).
- The alien doesn’t seem particularly intelligent (so it would probably fall
for Kevin’s booby traps).
- Home Alone usually takes place in winter, and the alien would probably forget
a jacket and freeze to death.
- Kevin has an unlimited budget (I do not know about the Alien budgets, or if
their queen gives them a proper wage for their job of destroying mankind).
- Kevin was able to fight off burglars without any prior experience: who’s to
say he couldn’t fight an alien?
Now, after much consideration and study, this is what
The winner is:
Me on an empty stomach. Hell hath no fury like a woman who has not snacked.
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.