There is a recurring societal trend in which a young, lovely, talented person marries someone with less personality than a potato because they don’t think they can do any better. This potato person is called a “pud.”
Proposals seem to occur commonly this time of year, so before you get down one knee or accept a ring, scan your significant other to determine their pud status. Here are ten red pud flags:
1. They literally never change their clothes or do laundry, yet they criticize your appearance.
Your appearance is your decision. If you want to ask their opinion, go for it, but don’t let them dictate your wardrobe choices, especially if they haven’t changed clothes in five days.
2. They take an Uber every day to their class that’s across the street.
I suppose this could be validated if it’s pouring rain or they’re injured, but if it’s a beautiful day and they can’t bring themselves to walk across the street, that’s pretty puddy.
3. They don’t know who ran for president in the 2016 election.
Political views or lack thereof do not make someone a pud, but if they do not even know the names “Donald Trump” or “Hillary Clinton,” you should probably be concerned.
4. The number of chips they eat each day is greater than the number of steps they take.
Everyone has their lazy days or cheat days, but more chips than steps every day is just ridiculous.
5. They refuse to watch any of your shows, even when you get them a free ticket, because they’re “not a theater person.”
This also applies to athletic events, concerts or whatever you do that requires support.
6. They have no passion for anything.
Everyone needs a passion! It can be literally anything, from dance to mechanics to botany! How can anyone get through life without caring about something?
7. They look like a potato.
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t care about appearance. This refers to a lack of facial expression and personality. If you tell them a joke, shout out an insult or make them listen to a song from Dear Evan Hansen, and their facial expression changes less than a potato’s would, you may need to double check that they’re a real person.
8. Your farts smell better than their regular scent.
Hygiene is important. Showers are necessary.
9. They hog the kitchen every day making homemade meals for their cat, but they expect you to make dinner for them and yourself.
If they treat their cat better than they treat you, you may have a pud on your hands, but at least they care about something.
10. They continually dig themselves deeper in debt buying ridiculously expensive things they don’t need, like tractors and diamond-encrusted swords.
People have the right to spend their money in any way they choose, but at least reconsider the joint bank account if you marry this person. Money isn’t everything, but debt is very real.
If your significant other shows one or more of these symptoms, it’s likely that they’re a pud. You might still love them because they’re your pud, and that’s okay. Date who you want to date, but don’t expect your pud to change.
Whatever you do, don’t settle for a pud because you don’t think you can do any better. You deserve the best.