This week, we delve into some of my favorite topics: hamsters, slugs, and Shakira.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
How do I get my father to come home?
-Heisenberg
Dear Heisenberg,
I thought you were creating a meth lab, but if these are your problems? I can help.
Gather up anything related to your dad, whether it is photos, clothes, the last can he opened, anything that he possibly touched. Gather all of these things into a specific spot in the house (if it is a separate room, even better), and light some scented candles (I personally enjoy the scent of cucumber melon). Begin to sing the summoning chant. What is this summoning chant? “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira (ft.Wyclef Jean), aka, the greatest song of the 2000s, and probably your dad’s favorite song (don’t deny it). Make sure to NEVER STOP SINGING “HIPS DON’T LIE” BY SHAKIRA (FT.WYCLEF JEAN). SING IT AT SCHOOL, AT WORK, WHILE YOU ARE MAKING OUT WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. DO ALL THE COOL HIP MOVES THAT SHAKIRA DOES (EVEN IF YOU GET CRAMPS FROM IT)!
Without a doubt, these tricks will have your father home in no time.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
I’ve been having a problem with bullies lately. There is this guy who won’t stop calling me “F#$k face” as I walk down the quad. I do not know why he does this, but I am too scared to stand up for myself. He also enjoys knocking at my door, and when I open it, throwing sriracha in my face, and proceeding to run away, once again chanting “F*%K FACE”. I would tell someone, but I’m terrified. Thoughts?
Truly yours,
Shadow (the Hedgehog)
Dear Shadow (the Hedgehog),
The truth is, most people bully or tease others because they are hurt, and because they are lonely. The next time this person throws chili in your face, ask him if he wants to go out some time (whether it’s in a romantic or friendship way, up to you).
But that’s too boring, and nothing is better than revenge. This is what you do…
Buy a hamster for this person (break into their room somehow and leave it there). They will at first be skeptical, but then develop a very strong, personal attachment to it. They will start taking it on walks, showing it to all their friends, posting pictures of it on Snapchat. After a few months, steal the hamster away (then you get to keep it, hahaha, score another for you). They will be so distraught by the disappearance of their hamster that they will leave OCU, become a hermit, and dedicate their lives to finding their beloved Mr. Fluffernoodles.
Dear Crazy Kazoo Lady,
My boyfriend doesn’t think I’m sexy. What do I do?
Sincerely,
I’m still confused.
Dear I’m still Confused,
There is nothing boys find sexier than slugs. Make it your new life goal to become a slug. Bathe in vaseline, and leave a trailer of glue everywhere you go (decorate it with glitter if you’re feeling fancy). When he comes back to his room, lie in bed, and make sure you’re playing the sexiest song of all time in the back: “Oh where oh where is my hairbrush?” from VeggieTales. This should totally get him to see your sexy side.
But in all honesty, dump him and eat ice cream. (Buy the cheapest kind… only good guys are worth Ben and Jerry’s)
Crazy Kazoo Lady has life experience and is ready to share it with the world. She’ll answer your questions and give you advice on everyday problems. Email any questions to chawthorne@my.okcu.edu.
filbertmcnutjob says
Best. Advice Column. Ever. I follow it religiously, and I’m not even religious.