After Friday’s inauguration, former president Barack Obama announced a list of plans for his first day without POTUS responsibilities.
The lineup included a spin class, a drive-in movie with Michelle, baking various hors d’oeuvres, mutton busting, and a game of competitive chess. Obama did not accomplish any of his plans, however, because he first decided to renew his driver’s license and ended up spending the entire day at the DMV.
“I know he hasn’t driven in eight years, but I didn’t think he’d have too much trouble,” said Michelle Obama, former first lady. “After about six hours, though, I started to worry.”
When Obama finally reached the front of the line after seven hours, he was sent back to the end with a demand for an eleventh form of identification.
“It’s not that I expected to be treated better than anyone else, but I did hope the workers would treat me like a human,” Obama said. “The woman at the front desk flung curds of cheese at me while grunting an accusation about a fake birth certificate. Then, she gave me the written test via iPad, but the wifi crashed after the first question. She insisted I had failed.”
Back at the end of the line, Obama entertained himself by playing Sudoku on his new, less high-tech phone, commenting muscle emojis on Women’s March posts, and updating Malia’s FAFSA to say her father is currently unemployed.
The next DMV employee took his break as soon as Obama reached the front of his line, spending his 10 minutes sitting at the desk, staring into space. He eventually accepted Obama’s identification but then made him walk four miles to take a driving test at another location. The driving instructor immediately docked points when Obama buckled up.
“Seatbelts are for losers and whippersnappers,” said Darryl McAlester, DMV driving instructor. “Everyone knows that. It’s an alternative fact.”
Obama failed the driving test because he drove without a license.
“Oh well, I guess I’ll just take an Uber,” he said.