As Americans across the country tuned in to today’s inauguration, Joanne Hoch, acting junior, described what the day would entail if she became the new president.
Q: What would you eat for breakfast in the Blair House?
A: Oh my god, everything! You don’t wanna be uncomfortable or gassy, of course, but I would go hard on some fancy french toast. Brioche french toast with a strawberry compote and a bunch of fruit and like three mimosas.
Q: Which president would you like to be your predecessor?
A: I mean, I guess someone who sucked. Or someone that no one thinks about. Like didn’t we have a president named Grant? I’ll go after him. No, wait, he’s famous. Maybe Buchanan. Nobody talks about him.
Q: Who would you like to sing the national anthem at your inauguration?
A: Brandi Carlile
Q: Who would you like to swear you in to the presidency, if you could choose anyone?
A: George Washington. I’d like him to come back to life to swear me in.
Q: Who would you like to participate in your inauguration parade?
A: Everybody! I want a full on chorus line. I want some pumped up choreography. I love parades, so I want balloons, floats, and also Santa.
Q: Who would be protesting your inauguration?
A: No one! That’s a lie. There’d be lots of people protesting. Anyone even minorly conservative, probably. I mean, I’m a woman (not that all conservatives only like men), but I’m also a woman who I wouldn’t say knows a lot about politics. I feel like people might be upset about that. Anyone who is really into politics and worried about the day-to-day duties of the president might be protesting. But everyone else would be down to party.
Q: Who would be your date to the inauguration balls? Would it be the same person for both?
A: One of the balls would have to be a ladies night. It’d be me, Lady Gaga, and a bunch of badass women – callin’ up my Pinot Grigio girls, you know. For the other one, I’d have to have some really great arm candy – someone who’s a great dancer. I have a specific name in mind, but I don’t want to say it because I’m hoping to work with him someday, and I don’t want him to see this article. I’d be embarrassed.
Q: Who is catering the ball?
A: Something fancy. Something super Instagram but not suffocatingly fancy. A casual fancy. Mostly bread and sugar. And Ace of Cakes will make me a cake. I want them to do cupcake wars for me. I’ll be one of the judges.
Q: What’s your first move as POTUS?
A: A dance move!
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