Many OCU students were awoken by the 5.6 magnitude earthquake Saturday morning. I realize that natural disasters can cause severe damage that should not be taken lightly, but since there’s not much we can do to prevent them, we might as well acknowledge their presence with some humor. Here are some products to prevent you and your home from getting so shaken up.
1. Earthquake-proof bed
A new invention allows humans to sleep in comfort during natural disasters. When this bed senses the vibrations of an earthquake, its mattress opens like a trap door, dropping the person into a box and locking them inside with water and snacks. The box emits emergency signals, but it is not clear if there is a way for the enclosed person to escape the bed without outside help. This sounds like a great plan, but you might want to warn your partner about the bed’s functions before you use it as a surface for sexual intercourse.
Check out a video of the bed, created by Russian inventor Dahir Semenov: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuM-EAnor4I
This invention has been employed in movies for ages, but it could come in handy during an earthquake. Just wear it at all time, and if the building begins to collapse on you, take off and watch the destruction from above, where you’ll be safe. Helmet strongly recommended.
3. Shaker robot
This is a robot that walks around with you all day and violently shakes you at random times. Eventually, you’ll get used to the imposed convulsions, and when an earthquake happens, you’ll be able to go about your business as usual, immune to the rattling of the earth. Bonus: these robots can also be programmed to vaccinate, submerge you in water, and shout insults at you, in case you need to become desensitized to other hardships of life.
4. Gorilla Glue
Gorilla Glue is already a fairly mainstream product, but researchers recently began recommending at as an earthquake prevention tool. Simply buy every single bottle of gorilla glue from your local Lowes store and dump it all around the foundation of your home. If Gorilla Glue can’t keep the tectonic plates together, nothing can.
5. China cabinet flooring
If you are one of those people that inherited a bunch of fancy ceramic dish-ware from your hoarder ancestors, this product is for you. Basically, instead of hanging all your delicate China on the walls, where an earthquake could easily propel them to their doom, you install this flooring, which sets them in styrofoam and covers them with glass for you to walk on. The floor might be hard to keep clean, but it would be worth it to know that your precious dishes are safe beneath you in a bed of fake, squeaky snow.
6. Giant hamster ball
Make this your home. If you sense an earthquake coming, start running, and your ball home will take you to safety. If you get caught in an earthquake, the resiliency of the inflated plastic will allow you to bounce around unharmed.
7. Plane ticket to Uruguay
Apparently, Uruguay has no known history of earthquakes, so if this natural disaster really freaks you out, this country could be pretty chill. According to the CIA, the country has a 98.5% literacy rate and produces a lot of soybeans. If that appeals to you, go for it.
Hopefully, these products make you feel a bit more stable. If you’ve been injecting large amounts of toxic waste into the ground, you should probably stop that. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy Earth’s free massage.